tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86797319538763459782011-09-21T05:01:04.032-04:00In which Bad News Hughes transforms himself from a grotty, slimy caterpillar into a creepy, dusty moth.Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.comBlogger201100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-34607555500749519462009-11-17T10:16:00.002-05:002009-11-17T10:51:51.342-05:00

"If I ever go to the hospital again I think you and Tessa should just stay home.""What?! Why?!""Because you guys are obnoxious.""But... But... We were there to love and support you! As a family!""Tessa tried to lick the chair in the emergency room so she could 'catch MRSA and stay home from school.'"(Tessa also demanded coffee from the lobby vending machine, because "hospitals always have the

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com28tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-37027163754795369672009-10-28T08:47:00.004-04:002009-10-28T09:34:45.029-04:00

""He's a man-man! He's my little man! Yes he is! Yes! He! Is! HEY! HEY BABY!""What?!""He's a little man-man.""I know! He IS a little man-man!""He's a good boy! He is SUCH a good boy!" "He IS a good boy.""You! Are! Such! A! Good! Boy! Youaresuchagoodboy! ... HEY! HEY BABY! HEY!""What?!""He is such a good boy!""I know!""He's a good boy! He's a little lap dog! He's a little man! He's a little

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-41580766797894804552009-09-29T10:07:00.003-04:002009-09-29T11:38:59.271-04:00

So yesterday The Boss sends me an e-mail saying, "You used an awful lot of big, big words in that there blog, boy," which is strange, because I don't remember her having a southern sheriff accent a la Smokey and the Bandit. Deftly employing my typical charming approach to interpersonal discourse, I reply, "Did you have to look any of them up? I don’t want to give my little darling a headache!"

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-6835832649295475642009-09-28T14:09:00.005-04:002009-09-28T14:58:26.633-04:00

So my old nemesis William McKeen wrote up some nice shit about me on his internet today, helping pimp out a book published four years ago:http://blogs.creativeloafing.com/dailyloaf/2009/09/25/really-funny-shit-from-bloggers-turned-authors/Nobody cares about it anymore, not that they ever really did, but now that McKeen has stuck me in a bucket with some yahoo named "Lance Carbuncle" I can only

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-36297623309124250872009-04-06T08:54:00.003-04:002009-04-06T09:35:52.142-04:00

The Boss has been really busy, making cool stuff:marysgranddaughter.etsy.comhttp://marysgranddaughter.blogspot.com/I'm a big help, because I'm constantly babbling inane bullshit, gibbering and capering around like a self-medicating chimp, and ignoring me for hours at a time has given The Boss amazing powers of concentration. She exhibits a truly admirable work ethic, even when I'm working on my

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com25tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-58343598659624420382009-03-16T12:00:00.002-04:002009-03-16T12:33:59.221-04:00

Check it out! The flowering eroticism of my bare upper-thigh areas is making things shimmer with sexual vibrations so strong you can practically smell 'em!Well, OK, that's a lie. Actually I was just sittin' on the can a few minutes ago here at work and marveling at how the excess solar radiation pouring out of my legs was making the tag on my fancy new underwear glow. And, uh, I thought maybe I'd

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-33961875107792641752009-01-26T12:45:00.003-05:002009-01-26T13:26:44.601-05:00

The holidays were pretty sedate around here.We decorated, like, a robot tree and shit, and mostly just took it easy.The kids dressed up all fancy.Also, some underpants. A couple of weeks went by and then this last Saturday was my birthday. I turned 40.We rented movies and ordered pizza. I let Tessa drive.She just got her permit and is still learning, but she's picking it up real quick. Also,

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com26tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-41843252169249648442008-12-29T10:56:00.002-05:002008-12-29T12:05:26.137-05:00

The Boss made me go here, as revenge. I don't like this stuff. Not one bit.This is Christie, my pal Scott's wife. She works at the store, proof she has an unnaturally high tolerance for pure soulsucking horror.Also, an unnaturally high tolerance for very drunk Scott.Anyway, the antique store is just chock full of chilling, disturbing stuff.Everyone knows these dolls will come to life in the

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com33tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-46276611859061251872008-12-16T17:03:00.002-05:002008-12-16T17:39:51.194-05:00

So I guess a big part of being domesticated is getting punched in the neck in the middle of the night by The Boss, who is often angry at me for snoring. All my life my sinuses have resembled mysterious caves full of dank poo cheese and grumpy hairy bats, so my snoring is pretty seismic, but not being able to shut off the nose-racket, causing The Boss to drop random midnight deathblows on me, is

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com33tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-71769013470412757032008-11-21T12:59:00.005-05:002008-11-21T19:55:21.423-05:00

Goddamn kids made cookies last night. Sort of.I say "sort of" because the cookies were terrible, terrible... Just a nightmare.Honestly, I don't know why these two can't go run a meth lab or set fire to a bum, like normal kids.Giuseppe went first. His cookies were salty enough to burn my mouth.We only managed to eat about half of them before shitcanning the rest. OK, maybe 2/3rds.Giuseppe was

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-18696139764225953172008-11-11T16:05:00.003-05:002008-11-11T16:34:04.367-05:00

Yaaah! Scary.Aw, babies."That's nice! I'm sure Allen would really like — Wait, can I get a what?!""Nobody likes a showoff, Giuseppe.""Papa P, why is he crying?""He's not crying!""Then what's he doing?""It's, like, a... roar of pagan triumph!""No. I'm pretty sure he's crying.""Stop saying that! It's totally a battlecry of Satanic fury!""Boo hoo, he's sad.""Look, he's... You know what? You're

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-35835219949569681722008-10-23T09:59:00.003-04:002008-10-23T10:24:07.568-04:00

"That wasn't funny.""What?""The dog eating the baby. I don't get it. It's just not funny.""Aw, what are you talking about?! That shit was hilarious. That baby's eyes were all, like, oogle-boogle! Ha ha! 'Yeller, nooooo!'""What if somebody saw that, and a dog had just eaten their baby? They wouldn't think it was funny.""Maybe they would. Maybe the laughter and absurdity of it would help them

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-43506185505295927832008-10-21T09:50:00.001-04:002008-10-21T09:55:06.123-04:00

From: Stephanie Sent: Tuesday, October 21, 2008 9:28 AMTo: Bulletin BoardSubject: THE LATESTHello All,This is Yeller. He is a yellow Lab and he is going to be put to sleep if he doesn't get a home soon. Since he is an older dog (7 yrs old) and is hard of hearing, a shelter I work with is having a hard time with him. He doesn't get along with other dogs and needs to be in a home with no other

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-12942565794344425262008-10-20T10:56:00.003-04:002008-10-20T11:00:31.444-04:00

From: Stephanie Sent: Monday, October 20, 2008 10:14 AMTo: Bulletin BoardSubject: Look what I have!Hey All,This little Kitty was found underneath an AC unit and has lost its mother. She is female and about 5 weeks old. If no one takes her, she will have to go to shelter. PLEASE HELP! She is so cute! Doesn't someone want her? Contact me for more information. Thanks to everyone,StephanieFrom:

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-17835206776925870742008-10-17T10:58:00.004-04:002008-10-17T11:02:15.532-04:00

"Don't forget your project, Tessa.""OK.""It looks pretty good and... JESUS!""Ha ha ha, 'goiter!' Oh man, I can't believe you put that on your poster!""Don't laugh. It's not funny. It's terrible. That's a real person.""Tessa, as a parental figure, if there's one thing I can teach you about the way the world works, it's that terrible things are always hilarious as long as they're happening to other

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-18201491709631084392008-10-13T10:05:00.004-04:002008-10-13T10:42:20.050-04:00

"Hey baby, check it out! I don't think I need the fake blood or the knife. Just the costume alone is pretty creepy!""Whoah. Um, you can't wear that.""What?""You can't wear that costume!""What are you talking about, I can't wear it?! I look awesome! I look like Brian Posehn raped Huey, Dewey and Louie.""Look at it. You've got a camel toe.""Yeah, so? It's just...""It's a camel toe. It's not a good

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-70966891844520092952008-10-02T09:37:00.003-04:002008-10-02T09:45:59.387-04:00

"I'm not entirely happy with the way these cookies came out.""What are you talkin' about, sweet mama? They're good.""I think next time instead of chocolate I'm going to put in nuts. And maybe fruit.""Baby, I think they'll be good any way you make 'em. C'mere, give me some lovin'.""You! You always want to hug on me when I'm in the middle of something, or walking somewhere.""That's not true. I want

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-17498902398464585462008-10-01T21:53:00.003-04:002008-10-01T22:03:58.019-04:00

"Hey Tessa, how much longer you reckon until your clothes are dry?""I don't know.""What?""I don't know.""Tessa, I got shit I need I put in there tonight. How much longer?""I don't know.""God damn it Tessa, I'm not asking you to know! I'm asking you to reckon!""But I don't know!""I didn't ask if you knew! I asked you to reckon!""I DON'T KNOW!!""DON'T KNOW! RECKON!!""I DON'T KNOW HOW!""What?""I

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-1016973543453522522008-10-01T14:46:00.006-04:002008-10-18T17:59:52.089-04:00

Hi Mr. Hughes,My name is Jennifer and I am conducting research for a piece for the Avenue section of the Independent Alligator. I was interviewing Dr. McKeen and he recommended that I contact you.My article is entitled "Return of the 90s" in which I explore the various ways 90s culture has returned to the forefront of music, fashion, television, etc.Initially, my idea sprung from my observations

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8679731953876345978.post-22300822870925026272008-09-29T11:31:00.003-04:002008-09-29T12:48:53.539-04:00

So a few months ago I bought a house.It comes with a garbage disposal. I've never lived in a house with a garbage disposal in my life. I don't even entirely understand the concept behind these devices (though I admire their destructive powers). Where I come from, you never throw away food. Even if it's vegan.This here lady is The Boss. Last Monday we were cleaning out the fridge and I say to The

Patrick Hugheshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06083854039296617106noreply@blogger.com51