Domestication and Care of the Methicillin-Resistant Staphylococcus Aureus

"If I ever go to the hospital again I think you and Tessa should just stay home."


"What?! Why?!"

"Because you guys are obnoxious."

"But... But... We were there to love and support you! As a family!"

"Tessa tried to lick the chair in the emergency room so she could 'catch MRSA and stay home from school.'"


(Tessa also demanded coffee from the lobby vending machine, because "hospitals always have the best coffee," loudly and repeatedly suggested The Boss be seen by 'House,' tried to take the brake off the hospital bed so The Boss would go careening down the hallway in a comical slapstick fashion, complained about how boring it was being separated from her iPod, laughed and reminisced about one of her best friends being sent to the emergency room and having to wear "the ass-gown," and waxed romantic over the possibility of somehow contracting a spiral fracture of the femur, again so she could stay home from school, I suppose as a back-up in case someone came along with a way to cure her beloved Tongue MRSA.)

"Your family loves you and wanted to be with you and make sure you were OK!"

"I was OK! I didn't even need to go in the first place. And I know I got sick from all those people in the waiting room, all those — excuse my language — white trash. They were all hacking and coughing... And sweating... I tried to wait for the doctor outside, but I had to drink that juice, that stuff, and I just know some germs got in me."

"I'm sorry you got a cold, but I'm glad you're OK, and not, like, going to die or anything. Well, you know, any time soon. I was worried! I care about you!"

"I know. It was stressing me out."

"I went out and got you Boston Market!"

"Boston Market does have the best mac 'n' cheese."