28.10.09

Domestication Indignity #4,652

""He's a man-man! He's my little man! Yes he is! Yes! He! Is! HEY! HEY BABY!"

"What?!"

"He's a little man-man."

"I know! He IS a little man-man!"

"He's a good boy! He is SUCH a good boy!"

"He IS a good boy."

"You! Are! Such! A! Good! Boy! Youaresuchagoodboy! ... HEY! HEY BABY! HEY!"

"What?!"

"He is such a good boy!"

"I know!"

"He's a good boy! He's a little lap dog! He's a little man! He's a little man-man! He loves The Papa! He's on The Papa's lap! He's my little snuggie boy! HEY BABY! HEY! HE'S MY LITTLE SNUGGIE BOY!"

"Yes, I can see that."

"He's my little snuggie boy! He's my little adventure boy! He went for a walk on San Felasco!"

coo1

"HEY BABY! HE WENT FOR A WALK ON SAN FELASCO! HE'S A NATURE BOY! HE'S A LITTLE MISTER ADVENTURE!"

"Yes dear."

"Do you love The Papa? Do you love The Papa? Did you walk a mile on San Felasco? Yes you did! You walked a mile on San Felasco! Mister Handsome! Mister Pee Pee! Mister Adventure!"

"What's that red mark on his stomach?"

"Aw, let him alone. You don't need to inspect him every time I..."

"What is that? Is that a tick?"

"Leave him be! Mister Pee Pee Boy and The Papa are enjoying a little lap time! Dogs get red marks and scratches and shit on them all the time. Well, manly dogs. Good dogs! Good little dogs that love adventure! Do you love adventure, Mister Pee Pee Boy? Oh, he does! He loves adventure! He loves The Papa! Oh, little Mister Adventure!"

"Oh god, I think he's got a tick. Here, hold him up in the light where I can see..."

"C'mon, Mister Pee Pee. Let's go in the light where The Mama can inspect you."

"Uh, it is a tick! It's disgusting!"

"So get it off him."

"It's his first tick! I don't know what to do! I don't want to leave the head in him! Should we light it on fire?"

"Jesus, I don't know. Maybe put nail polish on it?"

"I'm going to put some cream on it..."

"Aw, that cream won't do shit. Let me go see what it says on the Internet."

...

"OK, it says to get some tweezers, grab the tick close to the skin, and pull gently until it lets go and comes out. It said if we light it on fire or put nail polish on the tick it could barf germs into the wound."

"I have tweezers in the bathroom. Hold on while I go get them."

"OK."

...

"HEY BABY! HURRY UP! HE'S GETTING HEAVY!"

"Here, I found the tweezers..."

"Well tweeze that shit out of him. I'm getting tired."

"Hold on, Mister Man. Let me get that tick... Oh, this is disgusting. I can't believe he got a tick."

"Baby, sometimes that's what happens when you love adventure and are a little Mister Natural Man-Man who loves to go walk a mile on San Felasco. Now hurry it up."

"I can't get a hold... OK, there... Damn it, the tick's not letting go!"

"I think you've got some hairs pinched up in your tweezer there... Grab the tick here..."

"Oh god, I think I just crushed it...

"Baby, hurry it up. The Internet said the tick will barf germs."

"Ugh, this is disgusting... Wait, here we go... Oh! Shit! I think I left the head in!"

"Baby, my arms hurt. He's a stout little guy."

"Let me put some alcohol on him..."

"Just get the damn tick head out already! It's probably barfing germs and my arms hurt!"

"OK, OK! Alright... Alright, here we go... That's a little man-man... That's a good dog..."

"He is a good dog. He's a stoic little man! He's also very heavy."

"Let me just see if he has any more ticks... What's that? Is that another tick?!"

"It's his nipple! Relax!"

"I hate them! I hate ticks! Oh, they're disgusting!"

"Baby, they're part of the natural order of things... All part of God's plan... His plan to fill the world with weird disgusting shit to bum you out, heh heh..."

"Alright, let me put some alcohol on him... And some of this cream...."

"Give him a biscuit, too. He's a stoic little guy."

"Yesssss, he's a good boy... Dear, you've got something on your pants..."

"Yeah, I know... It's just dog hair and — JESUS!"

poo1

"Baby, I don't think that's dog hair."

"Holy fucking balls! Cuckoo, what did you do to The Papa?! Oh, for fuck's sake!"

"Baby, you need to change your pants before you go back to work."

"Son of a dirty fucking whore! He didn't just stamp a little poop stamp on me this time! That's a full-blown skidmark! Little fucker! Little Poo Man!"

"Baby, that's disgusting. Go change your pants!"

"Awwwww, look, there's, like, an actual doo doo ball on me! A bona fide doo doo ball! Mother fuck! Fucking cock!"

"Go! Change! Your! Pants!"

"Here, baby, touch it. Touch the doo doo ball."

"Get away from me!"

"Touch my crotch! Touch my doo doo crotch!"

"GET AWAY FROM ME NOW."

"Holy Jesus in Heaven above, what a disgusting mess. Cuckoo! Cuckoo dog! Come here! Why? Why you want to put the doo doo on The Papa?"

coo2

"Just be glad I noticed it before you got back to work."

18 comments:

Nate said...

ahahahahahahaha!!! Dude, we have missed you!!

Mikey said...

It's been too long, sir.

Joan of Argghh! said...

Bringing literal meaning to the term, "shithead". . .

:o)

This post is a bright and mercifully pointless light in an otherwise dreary day. Nice to see you out and about!

glen said...

My dog gets the old ass gland problems about once a month so I am hyper aware of his ass at all times. I certainly don't want gooey ass gland stamps all over the house, and not on my pants either.

Also, if the little guy has the mud butt, try adding a 1/4 cup of cooked green beans to his meals (not canned ones, frozen or fresh are what you want). My vet recommended this and it works great. Little man-man will be a champion solid pooper in no time, and no more dingleberries to mar your pristine chinos!

h.h. aspaspia said...

Great!

Mr. Austin said...

Better than having to put his eye back in all the time I suppose.

gutshot said...

I don't mind having to wait for your punchlines. Always fugging worth it. Ahhhhhh!
(Thank. You. For. Getting. Shat. On.)
(heh heh hee hee heeee)

Philip said...

loved the post, love the blog. You have a gift. A twisted, rude and sweary gift, but nevertheless - a gift!

Philip said...

loved the post, love the blog. You have a gift. A twisted, rude and sweary gift, but nevertheless - a gift!

Anonymous said...

"Baby, sometimes that's what happens when you love adventure and are a little Mister Natural Man-Man who loves to go walk a mile on San Felasco."

I have had a, well, crappy past few weeks and this sentence has cheered me beyond reason.

Thanks to both of you.

Kathleen

wizmo said...

WHY do I even THINK I can read one of your posts while eating dinner? By now I should know better. Oh no, I wasn't grossed out... I was laughing so hard I sprayed spinach on my monitor. Thanks for yet another laugh at your expense.

TriState Saver said...

Are you so sure it was "dog" shit?

Nice post.

wombat said...

I laughed so hard I thought I busted something, and then I couldn't resist reading it AGAIN and I swear I broke something else the second time. You need some kind of warning label on this thing.

Lorena said...

The funny thing is that I know this must be 100% true because I can COMPLETELY hear The Boss saying those things as I read them.

Anonymous said...

I found this site using [url=http://google.com]google.com[/url] And i want to thank you for your work. You have done really very good site. Great work, great site! Thank you!

Sorry for offtopic

Anonymous said...

i like that in the pants photo the zip is down..very hitchcock..the suspense.., is he still wearing them, could there be a massive pecker waiting back there to discharge through my screen into my eye? post more often douche!

(K)arla said...

I've missed you! One of the funniest bloggers ever! Don't stay away so long and don't let the wimmins beat you down!

Salty Miss Jill said...

Another reason why I myself do not have a little adventure man man dog.
Baking soda ought to get that shit out.