Domesticatedation Update

So I guess a big part of being domesticated is getting punched in the neck in the middle of the night by The Boss, who is often angry at me for snoring. All my life my sinuses have resembled mysterious caves full of dank poo cheese and grumpy hairy bats, so my snoring is pretty seismic, but not being able to shut off the nose-racket, causing The Boss to drop random midnight deathblows on me, is making my nighty-night time a wee fitful... Like trying to sleep with the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head... Or at least the Pointy Girl Elbow of Damocles...

I've tried blowing my nose, I've tried douching out the schnoz with saline, I've tried telling The Boss to fucking get over it, I've tried fortifying myself with handfuls of Ativan to sleep through all the unpleasantness, I've even worn those depressing little nose band-aids... And I still snore like a storybook ogre, and The Boss hates me for it, a little bit more every day.

But you'd think she'd be used to it, considering the hilarious little dog she's had for a while. The hilarious little dog also features post-apocalyptical wastelandish nose action and generates all sorts of disturbing snore bombs and night-time gurgles, but he gets away with it, I guess by being cute.

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Dude is pretty cute. "It's less like living with a dog, and more like having a friendly little monster around the house," The Boss once said. I motherfucking concur.

Below you'll find a list of all the names we use for the hilarious little dog. You think I'm kidding? Shit, I'm two domestication molecules from turning into Erma Bombeck:

A Coo, a Coo, a Coo-Coo Man
Kublai Khan
He's a Little Coo Man
He's a Little Coo-Coo Man
He's a Little Cuckoo Man
He's a Little Man
He's a Little Man-Man
He's a Little Man-Man-Man
He's a Little Pee-Pee Man
Mister Make a Pee-Pee
Mister Excitement
He's a Man-Man, He's Got a Plan
He's a Man-Man, He's Got a Dastardly Plan
He's a Man-Man, He's Got a Plan, He's the Best Man-Man in the Whole Land - In the Whole Land? The Whole Land!
Little Man
Little Man-Man
Little Pee-Pee Man
Little Trouble Man
He's a Little Mister Make a Pee-Pee
Mister Handsome
Mister Snuggie
He's a Snuggie Man
Booger Joe
Little Booger Joe
Lil' Booger Joe
Mister Likes to Go Bye-Byes!
He's the Cutest Dog in the Land
Mister Eat a Baby!
He's Eatin' That Baby!
Good Boy Eat That Baby
Look Honey He's a Strong Man He's Eatin' That Baby
Oooh He Likes to Eat a Baby
He Likes It! He Likes to Eat a Baby!
Eat that Baby! Get Him! Man-Man Eat the Baby!

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Ariel said...

I need a dog:( My life is sad because of a distinct lack of dog snuggles...

Joan of Argghh! said...

Aw, he really is a little monster-dog!

Mr. Hughes, you need to convince the lady of the niceties of the elite tradition of separate bedrooms.

Anonymous said...

french bulldogs kick so much ass.

i am again & again surprised to have this weird furry little cute bomb sharing a house with me. Even after 5 years.

and, yeah, my frenchie snores too.

glen said...

You should get one of those CPAP machines that they give to sleep apnea patients. It's a little mask that pressurizes the air as you breath in to prevent your sinus caverns from vibrating. The mask looks a bit like those oxygen doohickeys old people wear so you can pretend you're a feeble old man every night!

My wife and I also refer to our dog as a "little man." When they sprawl upside down like that they do indeed look like little furry people.

cIII said...

I reckon for Christmas, all I want is to have any one of those names as my Nickname.

I'm leaning toward "Mr. Eat a Baby", just in case you need a last minute gift idea.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Human babies are even funnier than dogs, so we're all in for a treat if you and the Boss decide to get one of those.

Megan said...

How many nicknames does Tessa have?

Lisa said...

That is a really awesome dog.

h.h. aspaspia said...

I second the CPAP opinion.
No, I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV....

KenW said...

before you try that hugely encumberihg CPAP device.try the pure sleep mouthpiece (puresleep.com). save my marridge.

gutshot said...

Nice doggy.
Nice list. I lost it around "He's a Little Mister Make a Pee-Pee". I bet you gots a fancy college word for the literary device that got me...

Susskins said...

CPAP = wonderful. You might be shocked to find out how poorly you sleep if you're a snorer.

DaisyPup said...

So.... Kookaburra, Little Man, PeePee Man, Little PeePee Man, Little KookaMan, Biggest KookaMan, My Little KookaPeePeeMan, and (of course) Mr. Bye-Bye in the Car-Car are all names that I have called my own horrible little house-monster at points in recent history. Is there some kind of outer-space ray of moronity that is being blasted at us by the MotherShip of these creatures? Just so you know, that's my current theory...

DB said...

I like dogs, but I could never eat a whole one.

I'm here all week!

just beth said...

my husband has taken to sleeping on the couch to get away from my nasal passages.

oh yeah, it's good for the ego, i'll tell you what.

and that dog rocks. see, The Boss really LIKES your snoring, that's why she got a mini-you.



Badger said...

Those are the same nicknames we have for our daughter! Weird!

Anonymous said...

I love him!

Willy said...

That first picture caught me by surprise...at first it looked like a nasty scrotum with teeth. Then I identified the eyeball in the lower left and got my bearings.

The second pic is much sweeter, although his mouth wraps around his head kinda like a pac-man.

OK, you guessed it...I'm a cat person.

Anonymous said...

Five teeth...wicked. Do you have to masticate his food for him?

Patrick Hughes said...

i'm a compulsive masticator.

robert hanrahan said...


Is that a black Pug or some sort of pug-based mutt?? (either way he is way cute).


Salty Miss Jill said...

Had this dog? Where did it go? Did little man man go make a pee pee?

Anonymous said...

We both know that you're a lot closer to Lewis Grizzard than Erma Bombeck.

Candy said...

That is without question the scariest dog I've ever seen.

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas, Mr. Hughes, to you, The Boss, T Money and G Balls. Thanks for all the laughs, and best wishes to all of you in the coming new year.

ozma said...

What the hell kind of dog is that? That can't be a French Bulldog. Is it just the photograph? That's an alien dog you've got there, Erma. That dog is not of this Earth. That's a cross between Cerberus and an Ewok.

Scott in Washington said...

I laugh the big funny ha ha's at your blog.

Anonymous said...

Loud fan on non-snorer side of bed. Raises ambient noise level, significantly reduces problem.

Shannon Smif said...

My best friend got sleep apnea surgery after getting tests done and finding out he only got 1-2 hours of actual sleep every night. It got rid of his snoring and he looks more lucid these days.

Congrats to your new domestication. Sounds like you're happy. The dog is indeed hilarious. We've got 3 hilarious dogs in this house. Mine thinks he's a mountain goat. A very fancy mountain goat.

I pulled out your book to show the picture of the car stuffed with packing peanuts, due to a related-prank conversation. Instantly 3 people were hooked, to your book.

James Crawford said...

Thanks for sharing. I've enjoyed your writing for a couple of years now. I'm glad to see you're back at it.

Telling the Boss to get over my snoring has never worked for me. I have a separate bedroom :(

karla said...

You just really be in love if you think that dog is cute. Love fucks up your judgment like that.

Anonymous said...

Oh crap! It's got the face of my mother-in-law!
Here's what we call our dog:
Clemma lemma ding dong
Ah Clem, Paging Mister Ah Clem! (From the Firesign Theater "Bozos" album)
Clamato Juice
Clemski McClemmer
Das Klemhund

Anonymous said...