So I guess a big part of being domesticated is getting punched in the neck in the middle of the night by The Boss, who is often angry at me for snoring. All my life my sinuses have resembled mysterious caves full of dank poo cheese and grumpy hairy bats, so my snoring is pretty seismic, but not being able to shut off the nose-racket, causing The Boss to drop random midnight deathblows on me, is making my nighty-night time a wee fitful... Like trying to sleep with the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head... Or at least the Pointy Girl Elbow of Damocles...
I've tried blowing my nose, I've tried douching out the schnoz with saline, I've tried telling The Boss to fucking get over it, I've tried fortifying myself with handfuls of Ativan to sleep through all the unpleasantness, I've even worn those depressing little nose band-aids... And I still snore like a storybook ogre, and The Boss hates me for it, a little bit more every day.
But you'd think she'd be used to it, considering the hilarious little dog she's had for a while. The hilarious little dog also features post-apocalyptical wastelandish nose action and generates all sorts of disturbing snore bombs and night-time gurgles, but he gets away with it, I guess by being cute.
Dude is pretty cute. "It's less like living with a dog, and more like having a friendly little monster around the house," The Boss once said. I motherfucking concur.
Below you'll find a list of all the names we use for the hilarious little dog. You think I'm kidding? Shit, I'm two domestication molecules from turning into Erma Bombeck:
A Coo, a Coo, a Coo-Coo Man
He's a Little Coo Man
He's a Little Coo-Coo Man
He's a Little Cuckoo Man
He's a Little Man
He's a Little Man-Man
He's a Little Man-Man-Man
He's a Little Pee-Pee Man
Mister Make a Pee-Pee
He's a Man-Man, He's Got a Plan
He's a Man-Man, He's Got a Dastardly Plan
He's a Man-Man, He's Got a Plan, He's the Best Man-Man in the Whole Land - In the Whole Land? The Whole Land!
Little Pee-Pee Man
Little Trouble Man
He's a Little Mister Make a Pee-Pee
He's a Snuggie Man
Little Booger Joe
Lil' Booger Joe
Mister Likes to Go Bye-Byes!
He's the Cutest Dog in the Land
Mister Eat a Baby!
He's Eatin' That Baby!
Good Boy Eat That Baby
Look Honey He's a Strong Man He's Eatin' That Baby
Oooh He Likes to Eat a Baby
He Likes It! He Likes to Eat a Baby!
Eat that Baby! Get Him! Man-Man Eat the Baby!