Creepy Antique Store

The Boss made me go here, as revenge.

I don't like this stuff. Not one bit.

This is Christie, my pal Scott's wife. She works at the store, proof she has an unnaturally high tolerance for pure soulsucking horror.

drunk halloween scott 2007 (6)

drunk halloween scott 2007 (27)

drunk halloween scott 2007 (4)

drunk halloween scott 2007 (28)

drunk halloween scott 2007 (33)
Also, an unnaturally high tolerance for very drunk Scott.

Anyway, the antique store is just chock full of chilling, disturbing stuff.

Everyone knows these dolls will come to life in the middle of the night and get you. Why don't they burn them? Why?



If the thing were there — and if I were not dreaming — the implications would be quite beyond the power of the human spirit to bear. What tormented me most was my momentary inability to feel that my surroundings were a dream. — H. P. Lovecraft, The Shadow Out of Time

"Hey look, Scott, this one's got a touch of the Downies."
"Man, there's no way that's not intentional. Why would they do that? Do you think it was, like, to teach kids about retards?"

Great — creepy AND racist.



Holy shit, so racist.


Probably racist.

"Aw, jeez, even Dr. King is racist in here."
"He looks like Cab Calloway or something. He's steppin' out on stage and fixin' to sing white folks a little tune."
"Is that all Martin Luther King is to these people? He was so much more than just an entertainer."

"Hm, well I think it's racist."
"What stereotype are they supposed to be perpetuating here, I wonder?"
"It's racism all right. Incompetent racism."
"Ah yes, incompetent racism. The only thing more hilarious than regular racism."

What little girl wouldn't be delighted by finding this in her stocking Christmas morning?

weiner nose
Or Weiner Nose Game? This season all the kids are hoping for Weiner Nose Game.

Speaking of Christmas... He knows when you are sleeping.

He knows when you're awake.

He knows when you've been bad or good.

So be good.


"Now give mumsy a kiss! And maybe she'll let you keep some of your blood."


Fuck, look at this scary pig.


Fuck! Fuck fuck!

Fucking fuck this creepy shit. Seriously.

Its sharp white teeth gleamed in the gaping red mouth, and I could feel its hot breath fierce and acrid upon me... Bram Stoker, Dracula's Guest and Other Weird Stories

gay captive
"Gosh Kevin, with you drugged and tied to my Japanese radiator, I can have sex with you whenever I want! And then I'll dismember and cook you, like I did the last three."

"...and some say if you peel off the paint, a real dead lady head will be there inside."

"Hey Pa, we got us a fat one we can eat on for at least half the winter!"

Man, baby eating? This stuff is really taking me to some dark places.

"The fairy queen said if I don't eat a baby for 100 years, she'll turn me into a real boy! And then I can eat all the babies I want."

mom and dads
Well, this is a bit more cheerful.

Webster was much possessed by death
And saw the skull beneath the skin;
And breastless creatures under ground
Leaned backward with a lipless grin.
— T. S. Eliot, Whispers of Immortality

pure horror
Really, is there any good reason on Earth for any of this stuff to exist?


glen said...

Yikes. I need some bourbon after those snapshots of horror, and it's only 11:00 am.

When I become a gazillionaire I'm going to travel around the country and buy up all these malformed dolls, these twisted mockeries of all that is good and pure, and burn them in a huge pyre. Beer will be served.

scott said...

I have been besmirched! My attorney will be in touch.

Anonymous said...

Creepy AND hysterical! Is it wrong that I want the downsy doll?

Anonymous said...

Your ah'scared of clowns too I bet...Hahaha...me too

Anonymous said...

Regarding the T.S. Eliot passage -- "The Skull Beneath the Skin" is the title of a song off the first Megadeth album.

I had no idea Dave Mustaine was so literate.

Megan said...

Made me want to go wash my hands.

Dave said...

Wait, isn't that Orville Redenbacher on that album cover?

ozma said...

Oh Lord, there's no reason for any of it to exist. But there's no reason for anything to exist. The world is a gaping maw of emptiness. At least when it falls into the sun we know those dolls will be burned up with everything else.

Merry Christmas by the way!

(P.S. This is the funniest goddamn post I've read since the Molly Ringwald post, way back in the day.)

DB said...

That one thing would be perfect for my S&M snowman collection!

Meetzorp said...

I think you should join and submit all this stuff to the Flickr pool "I Wake Up Screaming." That's the only real place for these kinds of monstrosities.

Anonymous said...

LOL @ Dr.King's suit. Just LOL

Salty Miss Jill said...

Yeah, to freak your shit out so you can write and post it here and make me crack the hell up. Good lawd, I love you.

Susskins said...

Just imagine if you'd done a tab of acid beforehand.

Anonymous said...

I think those things all exist to end up on Melvins 7inch sleeves and liner notes.

gutshot said...

Purpose: To be hung in the shower of an ex-girlfriend.
$14.99 is a wee small price to pay for revenge, dontcha know....

kaila said...

I'm not that freaked out, but that is because this actually reminds me of my Great Aunt's house when I was a child. She had museum antique dolls all over her freaking house. I suppose I am immune to them now sinceI grew up with that shit staring at me every summer.

Very funny nonetheless

Anonymous said...

The "Fuck, look at this scary pig" made me wet myself.

warthog said...

Burn them??? Are you serious? Don't you remember "Talking Tina"? You'll only make them angry with that kind of talk.

Anonymous said...

There was an X-Files episode about this stuff. The one where the doll killed people with telepathy.

Jane D. said...

Yikes! I find your new blog and get the crap scared out of me first thing this morning. Thanks for telling me about it on Sunday. Cheers!
p.s. You don't deserve her, she's way too good for you.

Keith said...

Umm, how much is that insulting, fat Kentucky Colonel bourbon container? Because...

Ambitious Blonde said...

Is it just me or does the Jesus head thingy held by the lovely red-hairedwoman look as if it has a tracheostomy?

sadkids said...

Man, you missed one of the most racist things in the store. Behind the Wiener Nose Game is a Speedy Gonzales glass.

Anonymous said...

Jeebus. That My Pal Scott™ thing is the creepiest fucking thing I've even seen.

Karla said...

What I want to know is why is grandma naked and holding naked grand-daughter? That's just wrong!

Too funny!

gutshot said...

Nakedness is next to awesomeness, isn't it?!

Anonymous said...

And what's the name of that store, Ctulhu's Curio Closet?

Becky said...

I've only just discovered your new blog, though I used to lurk at the old one -

I just wanted to say that this post absolutely cracked me up. I've had the most awful day and this cheered me right up, so thank you!

Robust McManlyPants said...

The sketch drawing of the naked young and old is creeping my shit out in the worst way. Yeeks.

Martin van Nostrin said...

My friend had a creepy doll like one of those, and he was so scared of it he ended up taking it to his workshop.
He left it there in a box in the corner. One night the shop caught fire and everything was destroyed except one box, which was hardly even singed despite being in the middle of the fire. When he opened the box, there was the bastard puppet. So he took it to the dump and hasn't seen it since.

em.s said...

ohhhhh...just too funny. many, many thanks head Whoopee's way for sending me here. If I didn't laugh this afternoon I may have killed our dog.

Frank_A said...

That paper-mache head is pretty freaky...
Wasn't there a really creepy dude who loved some lady so much that he stole her body when she died, and then put a paper-mache cast/mask over her "sub-optimal" head so he could extend his time with her?

Anonymous said...

I'm not a butthole.

You have inspired me to create a website about this kinda stuff. I have some creepy pix that I just recently took in an "antique store" and would love to share.

Also typing is hard when I have this much vodka.


And? I now use "a case of the Downsies" (I added the extra s) so many times that I should be locked up.

Again - typing is hard and I heart backspace.

And again... post mofo.

I am so drunk.

Fuck - I don't know how to get past your identity shit below (just spelled that blow) so I'm anonymous. Spellchick? awesomesauce08@gmail.com

Unknown said...

Doll8 kinda reminds me of exene cervenka