21.11.08

Cookie Fucking Terror Apocalypse

Goddamn kids made cookies last night. Sort of.

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I say "sort of" because the cookies were terrible, terrible... Just a nightmare.

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Honestly, I don't know why these two can't go run a meth lab or set fire to a bum, like normal kids.

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Giuseppe went first. His cookies were salty enough to burn my mouth.

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We only managed to eat about half of them before shitcanning the rest. OK, maybe 2/3rds.

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Giuseppe was having a rough night. He's staying with us while his real dad is out of town. His dad had called me earlier that night, saying that Giuseppe had apparently contracted a fungal infection, but didn't know what to do, and was embarrassed to ask me or The Boss for help. Giuseppe's dad asked me to discretely pick up some ball cream on the way home, and slip it to Giuseppe on the sly.

"I'm not helping out with the application, Joe," I told him. "That's his real father's job."

"No, you have to work it into a lather," Joe said. I was pretty bummed. Generally I don't like it when people use "lather" in a sentence. As a noun or verb.

So I made it about four seconds before announcing to Tessa and The Boss that Giuseppe had jock itch. Tessa thought this was great, because her pimp name is T Money and Giuseppe's is G Balls and the crotchal nature of Giuseppe's discomfort gave her lots of material to work with during supper. She made a lot of good ball jokes I can't actually remember because I passed out from laughing too hard. Anyway, I'm not a professional, but if you ask me, Ol' itchy G Balls needs to quit wearing them tight-ass girl jeans to school if he wants to clear up that rash.

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Even with the rash we still love G Balls Giuseppe. We knew Tessa and Giuseppe were going to be best friends even before we met him. Hell, we knew they were going to be best friends before Giuseppe even met Tessa, because Tessa came home and announced it to us: "There's a gay black kid at my school named Giuseppe and we're going to be best friends!"

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What Tessa wants, Tessa gets.

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It wasn't easy, though. Giuseppe was a little reticent at first.

"I was scared of her," he said. "I thought she was going to beat me up or something." Go figure.

Giuseppe really endeared himself to me when he slugged some dumb kid that insulted Tessa. I keep telling kids not to listen to their hippie teachers and shit, and that violence is a good way of solving problems. I'm glad at least one of my fake children was listening.

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Tessa decided she was going to take the remainder of Giuseppe's nasty ol' salty-ass cookie dough and "fix" it.

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Upon hearing this announcement, a small hilarious dog became alarmed.

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As were we all, I suppose. "I don't really know what I'm doing, ah hah ha ha ha!" Tessa said.

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Tessa's first "fix" turned out to be kind of like a biscuit, only with the searing bitterness of dejection substituted for buttermilk.

Man, we really need to replace those shitty blinds.

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Notice Tessa isn't actually eating that sad infernal biscuit.

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Next was chocolate. "It's kind of like a scone, or maybe biscotti," The Boss said, "Except, you know, not delicious." I thought that summation was rather kind.

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It quickly became clear we weren't eating these.

"Oh, there's a food drive at school — we can give them to the poor people!" Tessa said.

We are the poor people, I thought, but whatever.

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They were still here when I woke up this morning.

21 comments:

Joan of Argghh! said...

Dude. That's one hella ugly turkey platter.

Everything else was feckkin' hilarious!

Megan said...

mmm... cookies.

Jock itch, yuck.

Eden Kennedy Onassis said...

As I was examining this year's can of pre-Thanksgiving cranberry jelly that we'll forget to open, I imagined its destiny on some dusty shelf at the food bank with its sad friends (dented baby corn and expired mandarin oranges), and some poor person looking at it with disgust.

h.h. aspaspia said...

Tessa makes some great photos.
Why do you allow her access to sharp utensils?

Pearl said...

Love the blog. Never a dull moment, huh?!
Pearl

Anonymous said...

Can you clarify who Tessa is? The boss' daughter? Coworker? Friend? Connect the dots for us, oh wonderful one.

sweetney said...

If I buy you something off your amazon wish list will you please do another Holiday Family Photo Essay (ok, I'm using the term "Essay" pretty loosely there) this year?

Seriously, dude. Those posts complete me.

cIII said...

Yea.

Those blinds suck Ass.

You should have a Bake Sale and all Proceedes go toward new Blinds.

Or the Poor.

CodeMonkey said...

How exactly did the cookies end up salty for fucks sake? did someone pick up the salt instead of the sugar?
Frankly, wasting that much chocolate on shit cookies seems a horrible waste. :(

Pallas said...

YAY! More Tessa Faces!!!

Are you going to spend time with Your Family(tm) for the holidays? An ejaculation of amusingly offensive photos that include Your Family(tm) AND Tessa Faces AND the newly discovered G-Balls Faces would ... would ... oh god, it would make up for my own holiday, it would indeed.

Also it's tradition. And you can't fuck with tradition. Ask that dude in Fiddler on the Roof. He'll tell you.

kaila said...

Was there a secret ingrediant in those brownie looking things, because even if they taste nasty, it will make you hungry for more.

Lynn said...

That was an AWESOME post. Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Two thoughts -- First, your family needs to start solving mysteries.

Second -- This post led to a drawn-out argument between me and my six-year-old son, where he wanted to give me a wedgie and I said no.

Teighlor said...

There's a strong rad t-shirt contingent amongst your younglings.

Gutshot said...

Huzzah for food-related posts. You should try 'meat men', an interspecies mix of gingerbread men and mini-meatloafs. Each decorates his or her own with multi-colored vegetable bits, which may be eaten or discarded. After being digitally documented, of course.

Susskins said...

Tessa scary.

Anonymous said...

Once you get done teaching Tessa how to reckon, you've got to teach your kids how to bake proper like.

That's one of the best parts of being the parent of a teenager. You teach them something and then until they leave the house, they can do it for you.

Sure, you might have to lay down the law to actually do it, but it's worth it. I bet if you tell them to either bake cookies or you'll put that chicken suit on, fresh baked cookies will appear shortly.

ozma said...

It's kind of amazing me how you can make Tessa look so terrifying.

I tried to give some gourmet mushroom soup to a homeless guy the other day and he totally turned me down. Which was good because I wanted to eat it! But just so you know: Poor people can be just as picky as everyone else.

Emily and Ivy said...

OMG funniest blog ever! Please, please post more!

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メル友募集 said...

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