I Am Still a Controversial Motherfucker

"That wasn't funny."



"The dog eating the baby. I don't get it. It's just not funny."

"Aw, what are you talking about?! That shit was hilarious. That baby's eyes were all, like, oogle-boogle! Ha ha! 'Yeller, nooooo!'"

"What if somebody saw that, and a dog had just eaten their baby? They wouldn't think it was funny."

"Maybe they would. Maybe the laughter and absurdity of it would help them through their pain. Maybe it would be therapeutic. 'Oh my god, Yeller's eating that baby, whyyyyy!' Ha ha ha!"

"No. I don't think they'd find that funny. At all."

"Well maybe I'll send Yeller over to eat their next baby."


"I didn't think it was funny either."

"What?! What do you mean you didn't think it was funny?! It was funny! A dog eating a baby! Fuck!"

"Well, I guess it was funny, but I like your stories better. You should get on there and write another story."

"Well maybe I don't have any more stories."

"Well maybe you should get some."

"What are you guys yelling about?"


"We don't think Yeller eating that baby was funny. We think it's sad and disturbing."

"I didn't say that! I just like it better when he writes stories."

"You guys, seriously, that was funny, OK? I was reading the first e-mail, and I was like, 'Oh, poor Yeller, look at him in that cage.' And then he sent that picture out and I was all, 'Ha ha, look at Yeller! He's eating that baby! He's doing fine!'"

"Hey, you're not going to use that picture of me, are you? My wife's going to think I was drinking at work."


I Get Letters!

From: Stephanie
Sent: Tuesday, October 21, 2008 9:28 AM
To: Bulletin Board

Hello All,

This is Yeller. He is a yellow Lab and he is going to be put to sleep if he doesn't get a home soon. Since he is an older dog (7 yrs old) and is hard of hearing, a shelter I work with is having a hard time with him. He doesn't get along with other dogs and needs to be in a home with no other pets. He has no life threatening problems, just some old age and he needs someone to love him. I spent a few hours with him on Saturday, and he is very lovable and wants to have all of your attention. He is a good dog. If you are interested, please contact me for more info.

Thanks again,


From: Patrick
Sent: Tuesday, October 21, 2008 9:38 AM
To: Bulletin Board




I Get Letters

From: Stephanie
Sent: Monday, October 20, 2008 10:14 AM
To: Bulletin Board
Subject: Look what I have!

Hey All,
This little Kitty was found underneath an AC unit and has lost its mother. She is female and about 5 weeks old. If no one takes her, she will have to go to shelter. PLEASE HELP! She is so cute! Doesn't someone want her? Contact me for more information.

Thanks to everyone,


From: Hughes, Patrick
Sent: Monday, October 20, 2008 10:20 AM
To: Bulletin Board
Subject: RE: Look what I have!




Goiter of Indignities

"Don't forget your project, Tessa."


"It looks pretty good and... JESUS!"

"Ha ha ha, 'goiter!' Oh man, I can't believe you put that on your poster!"

"Don't laugh. It's not funny. It's terrible. That's a real person."

"Tessa, as a parental figure, if there's one thing I can teach you about the way the world works, it's that terrible things are always hilarious as long as they're happening to other people."


I Am a Controversial Motherfucker

"Hey baby, check it out! I don't think I need the fake blood or the knife. Just the costume alone is pretty creepy!"

"Whoah. Um, you can't wear that."


"You can't wear that costume!"

"What are you talking about, I can't wear it?! I look awesome! I look like Brian Posehn raped Huey, Dewey and Louie."

"Look at it. You've got a camel toe."


"Yeah, so? It's just..."

"It's a camel toe. It's not a good look for a man. You can't wear it."

"See here, now, you're not the boss of me. I can wear it if I want."


"C'mon! It's just a little camel toe."


"It's not appropriate for work. No."

"But it makes the costume extra creepy for Halloween!"

"No. Children will be coming to the house for candy. You can't wear it."

"Kids think balls and weiners and stuff are hilarious!"


"What if I adjust it around a little and..."


"NO. If you try to wear that thing I will hide it. I will throw it out."

"God damn it all to hell, you're not going to throw out my ducky costume!"

"I will. I'll do it for your own good."

"I'm a grown man in motherfucking America and I can make my own damn choices! I can make my own damn mistakes!"


"You know what?! I don't even want to wear it! It cinches up on my balls! It's uncomfortable! I don't even really have any motherfucking goddamn intention of wearing it! But I don't want you telling me what to do!"

"If you try to wear it I'll just throw it away."

"Fucking shit! Do it! Do it and see what happens! See if I don't go around town and buy up every fucking ducky costume I can find and hide them all over the city! You can't throw away every ducky costume in the world! I'll wear it and hike it up on my balls and walk around with a giant wad of camel toe and wave it around in the faces of small children and rub it on everyone at work! Just watch me! See if I don't!"

"You're not going to wear it, and that's final."


"You might be bigger than me, but just remember: you're going to have to sleep sometime."


Cookie hugs

"I'm not entirely happy with the way these cookies came out."

"What are you talkin' about, sweet mama? They're good."


"I think next time instead of chocolate I'm going to put in nuts. And maybe fruit."

"Baby, I think they'll be good any way you make 'em. C'mere, give me some lovin'."

"You! You always want to hug on me when I'm in the middle of something, or walking somewhere."

"That's not true. I want to hug on you all the time."

"Oh, is that it?"

"Yes. Because that's what human beings who like each other do. They hug and kiss. To show affection."

"Don't be an a-hole."

"Besides, when I want a little sugar it's not like I'm asking for an hour! All I want is 10 seconds. Just a little squeeze from my honey."

"Come over here. I'll give you 10 seconds..."

"Hey baby what are you... Mmm! Mm grmph!"



Laundry night

"Hey Tessa, how much longer you reckon until your clothes are dry?"

"I don't know."


"I don't know."

"Tessa, I got shit I need I put in there tonight. How much longer?"

"I don't know."

"God damn it Tessa, I'm not asking you to know! I'm asking you to reckon!"

"But I don't know!"

"I didn't ask if you knew! I asked you to reckon!"





"I don't know how. I don't know how to reckon."

"Oh. It's, uh, it's like guessing, but for rednecks."


"So how much longer until your clothes are dry, you reckon?"

"Fifty squirrels."

"Oh. Huh. Well, um, I think we have some work to do on the unit of measurement, but that's not bad. For a first time and all."

"Fifty squirrels. On that them there laundry machine."

I get letters!

Hi Mr. Hughes,

My name is Jennifer and I am conducting research for a piece for the Avenue section of the Independent Alligator. I was interviewing Dr. McKeen and he recommended that I contact you.

My article is entitled "Return of the 90s" in which I explore the various ways 90s culture has returned to the forefront of music, fashion, television, etc.

Initially, my idea sprung from my observations of 90's shows like "Are You Afraid of the Dark" and Beverly Hills 90210 returning, Radiohead's world tour, grunge and plaid fashion becoming trendy again, new indie bands copying Nirvana, college students throwing 90's parties, and so on.

Dr. McKeen said that you would be a better source on that decade.

Would you mind giving me your take on the 1990's and whether or not you see facets of that decade coming back to popular culture currently? Any opinions, perspectives, analyses, are welcome.

Your assistance in this matter is greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much,
Class of 2011
The Independent Alligator (The Avenue)

Hi Jennifer,

I've found as I get older, gain perspective and pay more close attention to the world around me, it's hard to compartmentalize music, fashion, TV, film, etc. into discrete decades, so if you'll indulge a bitchy preface I'd like to go on record as stating the use of "the '90s" (or any other decade) as shorthand to describe a wide variety of interwoven and long-stretching cultural threads is a fat load of balls — bogus hokum from the get-go and certainly a lazy way to go about criticism, much less journalism. It's a trope that involves jettisoning insight and trimming the edges off history after the fact, often in an attempt to homogenize, diminish, control, package and sell ersatz culture to dumb kids and boring nostalgia jerks. I recommend you immediately scrap this project and do something useful instead, such as constructing a moonshine still or burning a church.

That being said, the snowballing efficiency in information transfer that really got rolling in the early 1990s (blah blah blah the Internet) has created an environment where regional differences in popular culture have all but disappeared, and where meaning is restricted, fixed and refixed in much more specific and granular ways than perhaps was possible before.

One example of what I mean involves music: it was in the 90s that terms such as industrial, punk, hardcore, ska, rock, hip hop, jam and grunge started to be used less as descriptive devices than as titles for genres with narrow sets of prefabricated sounds, costuming, political opinion, lifestyles — even diets. Where before a term like "punk (or "punk rock") had been used to describe a variety of shifting strategies or attitudes about music and style (and to a lesser extent than what was to come, lifestyle), the newfound ease in transferring cultural data made a lot of people just sort of up and agree that "punk" was one thing. Due to people's general unwillingness to process deviation as well as the innate human proclivity to be big gay copycats, any even slight modifications to these new cultural one things marked by the participation of at least two idiots became a defined subgenre, and, if enough sheeple jumped on the bandwagon, a genre in its own right (hence crust punk, straight edge, emo, etc.)

If I were to overcome my resistance to talking about culture in neat little 10-year nubbins and assign some sort of distinction to "the '90s," it'd probably be as the period in which enthusiastic fans of pop culture, the types who can't settle for the top 40 or get too thrilled about the latest Hollywood blockbuster, gave up drugs, fucking and generally being awesome to endlessly argue about arbitrary classifications and parse meaningless data like a bunch of pussy-ass nerd bean counters. From this perspective, "the '90s" really have never left.

I hope this helps.


P.S. Oh yeah — also in the '90s, frat guys started obsessing on Bob Marley and the Grateful Dead. Weird. (I'm inclined to blame the marijuana.)