29.9.08

Fuck a bunch of this plumbing shit.

tub soup
So a few months ago I bought a house.

kitchen fun
It comes with a garbage disposal. I've never lived in a house with a garbage disposal in my life. I don't even entirely understand the concept behind these devices (though I admire their destructive powers). Where I come from, you never throw away food. Even if it's vegan.

party 080
This here lady is The Boss.

Last Monday we were cleaning out the fridge and I say to The Boss, "Hey, sweet mama, do you want to save this big pot of coffee-horseradish chutney from last week?"

"No," she said. "Dump it down the garbage disposal."

So I did. And an hour or two later, a bunch of ruckus and hollering woke me up from my nap. I climbed out of the pile of old leaves where they make me sleep and ran inside the house, and Tessa Fresh was hysterical.

this sums up my entire life
That's Tessa Fresh there on the right, singing one of her favorite Iron Maiden songs while The Boss fits her for a new lice helmet.

"Oh my god! There are onions coming out of the bathtub!"

That's not an Iron Maiden song. That's what Tessa Fresh was screaming the day I stuffed all the junk down the garbage disposal. Turns out it was because there were onions coming out of the bathtub.

At first, Tessa Fresh and The Boss were concerned the bathtub onions were of supernatural origin, but my familiarity with many varieties of totally sweet and awesome Satanic death metal albums quickly helped me rule out the occult. After settling them down with a few minutes of slapping and Xanax, I explained to the girls the onions likely appeared due to more prosaic reasons, specifically the larger than usual gob of foodstuffs I had previously been ordered to mash down the sink.

"We need to call a plumber," The Boss said.

"Aw hell no we don't," I replied. "I ain't scared of no damn bathtub onions. I'm a-just goin' to nip up to Home Depot and get a jug of Drano."

tub soup
Five days later, The Boss and I had replayed that dialogue about 14 times, and the bathtub looked like this.

toxicer than usual
All that Drano and Liquid Plumr and Tabasco sauce I had poured into the pipes was producing dangerous fumes, making anyone who wandered down our hallway feel dizzy and lightheaded. It almost wasn't worth it, having your eyes tear up and sting, just to get a whiff or two of that sweet brain juice.

concern
In addition to the fumes, a small dog had become concerned.

apparently hilarious
Not wanting to give in and admit I was wrong spend the money and call a plumber, I announced no bathtub onions or toxic soup were going to lick ol' Pat Hughes, and suited up in my best biohazard gear to sort this business out.

tessa is a butthole
Everyone seemed to find this hilarious.

tessa is a butthole 2
...Everything about it. My outfit and general appearance, the coughing and burning, me bailing out poison broth into a toilet bowl, the very notion I was competent enough to fix or repair anything, the very thought I was intelligent or capable of doing anything right ever — all hilarious.

"We need to call a plumber," The Boss said.

tub salad
Though my own family had no faith in my abilities, I continued to slosh that shit around, using a colander to strain out any solid matter as I worked. soon I had accumulated a nice little ceviche, with the various onion skins and fibrous bits ralphed up out of the drain nicely "cooked" in a tasty marinade of lye, sulphuric acid and old bathwater. Snacking on it helped my bolster my resolve, as well as make me see dancing strobe-light unicorns made of rainbows and pie.

giuseppe and the tub weiner
After the unicorns faded and I had reduced the muck to reasonably life-threatening levels, I was poised to deploy my secret weapon, and last hope — the Tub Weiner.

"We need to call a plumber," The Boss said.

unclogged
The Tub Weiner connects to an ordinary garden hose, employing the water pressure naturally found there to shoot out a small elf who rides directly to the clog on a mystical ray and the elf has a shovel and a pick made of stardust and rubies and he tries tries tries his very best to tunnel through the problem before his little heart inevitably gives out at the stroke of midnight and he dies from all the effort and dissolves into a sparkly mist that God vacuums up to heaven.

"Wait, you fixed it? We don't need to call a plumber?" The Boss said. "I'm having trouble believing it."

"I know you are, baby, but you should never count out me and my Tub Weiner."

face of victory
Here I am, basking in my victory.

"I never thought when I told you to dump that food in the disposal that you'd put it all there at once," The Boss said.

victory2
A little dog basks in my victory as well.

52 comments:

Candy said...

Dude! Welcome back. You'll be pleased to know I read this while eating my lunch, and am now no longer enjoying said lunch. So thanks for that.

Small dog is very cute.

Roy said...

Well, I've just finished my lunch, and I'm about to dig into the new blog. But first I wanted to say Welcome Back.

glen said...

Welcome back! Yay!

My excitement at finding your new blog is certainly comparable to clearing a mean chutney clog with a tub weiner. Sort of oniony, but cleansing.

Yay again!

smokingrobot said...

Long time stalker, first time commenter. Welcome back, you glorious bastard! It's good to see your (enormous and lumpy) face again.

pagalina said...

YAY!!!! i think ((I)) am starting to see unicorns and wiener fairies. or something. Glad to hear from ya. having the link pop up in my google reader was like a little special email directly to me! i missed you too.

Mr. Austin said...

My quiet and lonely feed for BNH lit up just a moment ago and I about wet myself. Good to see more words coming out of your poop covered fingers.

sweetney said...

THANK FUCKING GOD YOU'RE BACK.

I will now commence with the linking and news-spreading. YAY!

sweetney said...

PS: Your lady is hawt. Good job there, dude.

SUEB0B said...

1. I am so glad to see you back
2. Yes, your wife IS a cutie!
3. You have already made me spit on myself laughing with "nice little ceviche."

Oh, The Joys said...

That was the best plumbing post ever.

L'Emmerdeur said...

The internets missed you, as did I.

fatboyfat said...

Milk out of the nose and everything.

Jenn said...

Glad you're back.

Tyrone said...

Welcome back, Patrick! The rest of the world may be circling the drain but I have faith that your tub weiner and ultraplunger will put things to right. Huzzah!

soozinsta said...

Yay! So glad to see you back. Also, yay wieners.

Joan of Argghh! said...

I wish you knew how to quit us!
Heh.

So awesome to see you back. This story is so good that you must have started the blog just to showcase it. I expect you will disappear for another year because that would be kinda funny, too.

Digits said...

If you feel like a repeat artichokes produce similar but slightly different bits of fun.
Although I recommend NOT.
But hey, if it was fun once :)

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I'm soooo glad you're back. The tub wiener, huh? I'll have to remember that (we always have to call the plumber - gah!).

Congrats on the new missus, the new house and the dog (new?). They are all adorable - and there, I feel very gay for saying that.

Eden Kennedy Onassis said...

I'm so happy.

Lylah said...

i hate garbage disposls. they are a joke! funny story.

Kelly said...

listen, i dunno who you are. but i thought that you should know (and mrs. kennedy can share some credit here for tweeting your post) that i only laugh until i cry and cannot breathe anymore, anyway that only happens once a year probably. and it just did. i'm still catching my breath. whoever you are, you are not allowed to take anymore blog hiatuseseseeseses.

Duke Crevanator said...

I also have a boss. Unlike yourself, I have proven myself so incompetent that the Boss insists on doing all the plumbing work herself. My role is now that of your boss. I stand over her nervously saying "we should call a plumber".
It sounds easier than your role.

Lorena said...

Add me to the lists of "glad you're back" and "yes, your Boss is hot"! The dog, however, not so hot. Cute. But not hot.

Glad to see that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

addiebaby said...

I was crazy excited to see this.
We had a similar problem a few weeks ago, except ours washing machine was filling up with bile. While our clothes were in it. I was never so happy to pay someone $250.

mamadaisy said...

you look right sexy with that there plunger!

nice to see you again.

House of Jules said...

WOO HOO, you & your tub wiener are back! It's been too long!

jess said...

That was beautiful. Tears came to my eyes.

First time here- OhtheJessatjoys sent me. I'll definitely be back.

Chag said...

Welcome back!

Anonymous said...

You're wrong about Iron Maiden...

White man came up to the sink
He dumped in chutney, boy, did it stink
He ran the water and hit the switch
Disposal worked without a glitch
But when he napped, screams woke him up
'Cause there were onions in the tub

(first verse of "Run to the Home Depot," from "The Plumber of the Beast" album)

styro said...

Welcome back. Cleaning the bathtub in pajama pants and bare feet is absolutely the way to go. When you get chemical burns on your feet, that can be your next costanza. :)

drea said...

If you're having plumbing issues like this from the garbage disposal, I'd advise The Boss and Tessa Fresh to beware of flushing tampons down the toilet. I'm also going to advise you to not flush condoms, large amounts of hair (though, by the looks of it, you shouldn't have that problem), or various other objects which may clog up and already sensitive wastewater system. I have some female friends who all live in a house together, all flushing their nasty tampons down the toilet, clogging up the pipes with massive bowel movements and so on and so forth. A few weeks after moving in, one of the bath tubs started filling up with a strange, brown, foul-smelling liquid... then there were chunks of questionable and unidentifiable debris... then distinguishable turds. Raw sewage had made its way into the tub rendering an entire half of the house unlivable for weeks before a plumber said "stop flushing your fucking tampons down the toilet and tell the landlord that the pipes in the buried in the yard need to be replaced or it's just going to continue happening... maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but at some point it will strike again".

Just an FYI. Onions are one thing. Turds are a completely different ball game.

drea said...

ugh. I know you're all anal about grammar and the English language, so just pretend like my previous comment doesn't make me sound like a stuttering cerebral palsy kid.

Antonia said...

I'm only as far as the new lice helmet, and already weeping in joy that you're back. YES. Now we're all going to sit on you so you can't get away again.

OrangeAppled said...

Oh Mr. Hughes, Nobody re-tells a story quite like you. XO

Wendy said...

Awesome. So glad you're back. (And glad I didn't delete your feed from my reader.)

Patrick Hughes said...

thanks everybody. i'll be writing some more crap after my eyes grow back and my vision returns. (i'm dictating this comment to my helper monkey.)

kaila said...

How convenient *weird* is it that just today I discovered your old blog, (for the first time), via a link to your X-Mas 2005 post and was jumping around excited to have found someone else to read. Then I realize that no, no you are no longer blogging, only to then realize yes, yes you are. Strange. Thrilling even. I don't make sense.

Patrick Hughes said...

you'll fit right in.

-ellie. said...

I was eating a beef patty from Golden Crust and got Golden Crust all over me. Thanks a lot Pat!

Anonymous said...

You never, ever, ever put onions in the disposal. Or coffee. Or artichoke leaves.

Anonymous said...

You never, ever, ever put onions in the disposal. Or coffee. Or artichoke leaves.

sac said...

Glad to see you back. The internet has been needing a punch in the face like nobody's business.

Levine said...

Excellent. Good to see you again.

I have a hard time determining when to use the garbage disposal too. I am always afraid of breaking it.

Anonymous said...

Patrick is back. Our long national nightmare is over. Jesus Christ you bastard, you can make me laugh. I almost spit the coke I drank an hour earlier all over the monitor.

Angie said...

Kudos...I have a bad situation going on with my bathroom sink...it involves my curly hair and years of toothpaste. Smells terrible and I can't seem to fix it. Took the pipes apart and pulled a half-pound of frothy hair from the tubing. Nuthin doing.

Shelia said...

Happiest.Day.Ever.

So glad you're back... apparently we all missed you.

Laughed and made real tears, as always. Congrats on the house, Boss, and the dog. Awesome!

Anonymous said...

Yay, I am glad you are writing again. I am sure your take on domestic life will be quite entertaining.

Please consider frequent special features on mr.a little dog.

City Elf said...

oh my god, i am so glad you are back!!! took damn long enough.

and you should save the junk in the colander for thanksgiving, it looks just like my mom's stuffing.

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Aaron said...

Plumbing can be a big pain - especially if it's a house you've just bought - never know what the old owners did.

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